Dealing Spiritually with Divorce

I had a conversation the other day with a woman who described her divorce as bizarre because of the fact that she still shared a bond with her ex husband.  She said her friends said it was unhealthy.

This woman had raised two children with him, married him when she was in her early twenties and divorced when she was almost 50.  Obviously they had spent many important quality years together.  They parted amiably, as friends,  and wish each other well.  They occasionally still enjoy each other's company.

I don't know about you, but that all makes perfect sense to me.  Where is it written that people have to hate each other and adopt rude behavior towards each other just because they have spiritually outgrown each other?   Since life IS a spiritual journey, there truly are people that pass through our lives that are not meant to be there forever.  I have been married two and a half times, and cherish the time spent with all three men.  But our dreams grew in different directions until it got to the point that it didn't work out, and we parted.  Decades later, I see why it would have been beneficial to have tried harder, but the lessons I learned, and needed to learn, would never have happened had I stayed.

I remember when I was getting divorced and I was trash talking my husband, and a friend said, "There is nothing wrong with either of you.  You just want different things!"  She was 100% right, and I never forgot it.

In my first divorce, my husband was a therapist.  He insisted that for our daughters well being we should always be civil towards and about each other.  Since he had been my very best friend for almost seven years, it was easy to become civil (once we got past the first two years of severing our marriage).  We became and have remained, quite good friends.

At one point, I started attending a church that really heavily promoted the importance of family strength.
Through this church, I saw families that really relied on each other, respected each other completely, gave equal weight to the importance both parents in raising children and keeping a home functional.  I started to realize something very important.  One day soon afterwards, my ex started yelling at me about something, and I said to him, "Talk to me as if I am still your family. We have a child together, I help you with your mom and dad, you still play golf with my brother.  We ARE still family, we just couldn't live together anymore."  He was quiet a minute,  and then said, "I am really glad you said that." We have gotten along much better since then.

Having been married twenty five of my 56 years, I see the importance of continuing that family relationship, even into divorce.   He was still the father of my child, through alimony and child support, he still helped to provide a home for our daughter.  I was and always will be grateful for the roles both of my husbands played in raising well loved, supported and encouraged daughters. They are now both young women who believe they can do anything.  I am proud of them, I am proud of their fathers, and I am thankful for the ongoing relationships I had with them that never made my daughters feel divided.

My oldest is 30 years old.  There isn't a visit that goes by that she doesn't thank me and her dad for our roles in her life. We used to have parent meetings by telephone when something came up with grades or behavior problems. She was always accountable to both of us.  She tells us of her friends whose parents hate each other, married or not. Its heartbreaking!

 I can plainly see that one of the reasons people stay together is because they share the most precious things in life, children.  How tragic that there are people who penalize and poison their children because they cannot honor their ongoing relationship as family.

I beg of all who read this, be grateful for your relationships, and make the best of them, whether you get divorced or not.  Honoring the parent of your child will alleviate pain, a feeling of failure, anger at the one who let you down, and all the rest. Letting go of all of the negative feelings will also help you forgive yourself.

Always do the best you both can for your child, and if you do get divorced, God will bring the lessons to help you do better next time.  Recognize your family obligations to raising a more perfect future for your children.