Defining Your Life

By Christine Rose © 2007

I was sitting in the Memphis airport, on my way back from the home of dear friends I had just met in Arkansas. I slept like a baby in their comfortable home. We didn't wine, but we dined on good old KFC (which I hope is chicken, but hey, it was cheap and we all went to bed full). We laughed at our middle-aged weight gain and said, "We need to stop looking at the size of our butts and instead be impressed with the size of our recently increased cleavage!" (Yes, it's always a matter of perspective, I always say!)

The husband of the couple is joyful and energetic, the very picture of a hillbilly, whose infectious giggle made me laugh, whether I understood him through his complicated accent or not. His wife, a warm wonderful woman of Choctaw descent, made us feel so welcome and at home, even though this was the first time I’d met them. The furniture was deep and worn and I raced to beat the dogs to the most comfortable place to sit. I may have gotten there first, but they won by sitting on me. Their home was the size of a roomy double-wide, the biscuits hot and buttery, the hot tea (which I drank in volume, much to their Southern surprise) was sweet and good.

My family has been in the New York area for almost 400 years, and my siblings and I all live within an hour's commute of New York City. Like everyone else I know, most my family is concerned with looking their best, being fit, having beautiful, well appointed homes, having enough money to vacation well a few times a year, and to wine and dine to their hearts content.

I often compare the priorities of the people I meet in the far away, rural places with those of the people in my community and note that whichever people I am with at the time would have a hard time understanding the lifestyle of the other. It is amusing to spend time with people of both worlds and see how each looks condescendingly at the other. At the same time, I know that my values and perceptions have been heavily influenced by both.

For instance, I find advancing middle age a very nice, comfortable place to be. The things people strive for, such as the decisions about having children, a home and career, have long been answered. I feel like I have settled in, and I enjoy doing the things that have become routine. By middle age, most people are either relatively happy or resigned that their lives have become, at the very least, predictable.

There are some adjustments to be made for sure. Weight gain or the lines on our faces are beginning to map out the results of the many and varied events of our lives. We want to be comfortable, and we do not welcome chaos or earth shattering news. We are beginning to recognize that the old people we have watched shuffle across the street with the use of their canes may soon be us. My father recently turned 75 and he said to me, “You think you're old! How does 75 sound?” I answered, “Not far enough away.”

Those of us who are in our 50s are in the springtime of our old age. For some it’s a scary proposition, for others it’s as comfortable as wearing old shoes. In fact it’s almost like becoming the old shoes through the softening of our own hides. It doesn't bother me. After spending my whole life fending off old age by watching my weight and indulging in the use of endless miracle face creams, I finally feel like, "Oh for goodness sakes! Open up the gates and let it in already!"

Most people in the suburbs don't feel like that, though. In fact, sometimes I feel like I live in the Land of Botox. I have noticed that people in more rural areas of the country are far more relaxed about the aging process, and for many, it’s actually something to be proud of.

Humility is accepting one's place in the universe, no matter how lowly it may be. As a society, we have lost all sight of that. We have become so focused on taking care of ourselves that we have gone about it all wrong. Instead of seeing that this life is temporary and only the afterlife is eternal, we now act as if the exact opposite is true. Plastic surgery, beautiful clothes, excessive dieting all deny the eternal and place all of the importance on how we look. But none of that will keep us from our graves.

What is wrong with smile lines? What is wrong with being comfortable enough in one's own skin to let the middle age spread happen naturally? What is wrong with having a home that does little more than keep out the wind and the rain? Believe me, there are many people in this country who would feel blessed to have that!! Where has our gratitude gone? Our gratitude went out the window when we as a culture decided only to reward personal achievement, physical beauty, and financial wealth. The eternal perspective, and what we are here for, is not even in the picture.

Our country, especially now in the light of the financial crisis, would do well to recognize the beauty of humility, and that includes accepting aging and simplicity in our lifestyles. A person of lesser means naturally practices a simple life with more humility then does one of great means, for whom simplicity is a choice. Have you ever thought that there are two kinds of poverty? One is the poverty of means and the other is the poverty of spirit. There is nothing wonderful about poverty to the point of hunger and homelessness, but there is indeed a difference between one who accepts and embraces a modest life, and one who is wealthy but abuses the sales clerk because their wealth gives them a sense of entitlement. Grace is present whenever gratefulness is experienced on a regular basis, when life offers more then was expected. It is indeed easier to appreciate the small gifts life offers when one has much less to start with. Are you often grateful? Its amazing how being grateful can change your life, as well as those around you.

I was in a major chain bookstore the other day, and I got involved in a conversation with a woman whose profession was that of a psychologist. We were looking over the novels and she asked me if I had trouble meeting intelligent women. I said not really, but I didn't tell her that I am not very focused on a social life, and I always figure I know the people I do because God placed them there. Intelligent or not, we are in each other's lives to learn from each other.

We chatted for a while when a store clerk admired the psychologist's heavy down coat. The psychologist looked at her as if she were an insect. She tolerated her for barely a moment, then said, “Okay. Thank you, be on your way. Shoo, now.” The poor clerk stammered, “I just wanted to ask where you got your coat.” The woman rolled her eyes, and said, “Paris!” and turned her back on the clerk, and saying loudly and rudely, “I thought she would never leave, now, what were you saying?”

I was dumbstruck. All I could think, and wanted to ask, was why the psychologist thought she was a better person than the clerk. Was it her intellect? Her money? Her coat purchased in Paris?

Assuming that these silly earthly things are important may cause us to treat each other without respect. The rich assume the poor are uneducated and lack higher aesthetic standards. The poor think the rich are wasteful and selfish. Each judges the other and feels superior, which I find amusing. The truth is, respecting each other is divine. It acknowledges our life journeys.

There is no expression that bothers me more than “trailer trash”, a common expression used by those who look down upon people of lesser means. I know some very fine people who live in trailers. They are well educated and even self-educated people with upstanding values. I also know just as many generous wealthy people who would give anything they had to offer comfort to the needy. Why should we be defined by our modest home or mansion? Why should we ever define anyone else by their budget? Don't we truly want to define ourselves?

There is truly no group of people I have worked with or lived with or even visited that did not judge the actions of others by their own standards. But instead of wasting our breath critiquing the lifestyle of others, why don’t we try to understand more about each other? There is more than one way to live and we all know that what’s right for one is not necessarily right for another. Instead of joking at the expense of people who live different lifestyles, why don’t we try to become accepting of their choices? Not tolerant; who wants to be tolerated? ACCEPTING! If we are open to it, it is entirely possible that each person we encounter will teach us a new way to see life and can broaden our views. Yes, even the people who live in trailers, who flip burgers for a living and may even be homeless.  They can teach us a lot.

When we don’t show respect for others, we subliminally encourage our children to taunt and make-fun of others. Where do you think bullying in children originates? It comes from a lack of respect for the lifestyles and choices of other people. Our Constitution gives us the right to say whatever we want, but why would we want to insult a group of people? being judgmental gives some people the right to believe they know what is best for others. Somehow, we have become a society that seeks to protect our right to hurt others rather than to accept responsibility for the way our actions hurt other people. While I agree wholeheartedly that we need to consider individual rights, we should also assume a responsibility to be kind to each other. Yes. We really should.

In closing, think about who and what defines you. Do you think the poor define themselves by the standards of the rich, and vice versa? Certainly not! Would you want to be defined by your possessions? Surely you are more than that!

Our suburbs promote the view that there is only one valued way of life, and that is a life that comes with privilege and a high price tag. Is that true...and fair? In order to really look at how you define yourself, ask yourself some questions. What really influences your beliefs and how do you want to be defined? How true are you to yourself and your own beliefs? Are you strong enough to do what’s right, even if it means taking responsibility for your failings and accepting that we must all grow and change?

These are very important questions to ask ourselves. They determine our strength of character. Would you congratulate yourself on getting a great deal even if it meant someone else suffered a little? Does the rate of charity you extend to others depend on how much money you have or how much you would rather keep it? Is your compassion for others based on the fact that you have been blessed and they have not been? Do you judge them for that? Are you kind to people who may be in need, or even people you do not want in your life? Always remember that the best use of your blessings is to pass them on to others. You can never be too kind or too grateful. You will be rewarded tenfold in happiness.

So cut others some slack, try not to judge them, and don’t even judge yourself. Just treat people with respect, and try to act towards others in ways you will always be proud of. Then pat yourself and everyone else lovingly on the back, recognize we all have our differences, and that we are all people of value.

Where is the Love?

By Christine Rose © 2007


Hello Fellow Suburbanites!!

It looks like this blog has opened a small office in the corner of my brain, and I am actually storing things there for future ref these days. Speaking of storing things, I run a small charity called Changing Winds Inc (www.changingwinds.org) and rather then collect tons of money, we collect tons of stuff and send it out to Indian Reservations in South Dakota which are, by the way, the poorest counties in the country.

Lots of people help, and living in a wealthy suburb allows us to collect massive amounts of clothing and furniture in really good shape. The idea is that there is so much stuff that exists in this country, but the weight of is balanced precariously on both edges of the country. If we don't spread it out, who knows, the weight of it all might snap off both the east and west coasts! So we are not only moving all the existing stuff to people who need it, we are possibly keeping the wealthier coasts intact by shipping much of our excess to the center of the country, the Heart Lands. Did you know that if you flew over the Black Hills in South Dakota, you would see that the entire region, which is the center of the country, actually is shaped like a heart? Well, now you know. :-)

Today, I spent the better part of my morning rearranging stuff that had been so generously dropped off by supporters (notably Betsy K Home Choreographers) over at Westy's Storage facilities, which donates garage size rooms to us, enabling to collect tons of stuff before we ship it out. (I apologize for the shameless plugs for our supporters, but hey, they deserve it!)

In plowing through the things that had been dropped off, I came across a book that someone had left. Now, you tell me if you think this was a good thing to drop off for the poorest people in the country. Do you think they really needed a book, featuring a nice middle class blonde housewife on the cover, called, Learning to Live With Less? Ouch! Somehow, it seems the people we are shipping stuff to could write their own version, don't you think? If you ask me, they could probably really teach us a thing or two about living with less. My guess is they have mastered it.

But hey, its hard for me to feel less then gracious when I look at all the incredible things that people did leave. Including their trash. Ooops. Did I say that? Sadly, yes. I did. Because it happens.

Have you ever really thought about the word Charity? What images come to mind when you consider the word? Sally Struthers and the Starving Children of Africa? (No, it is not a new band.) Anyway, no joke, those starving kids are probably the kind of images that all of us imagine. So here's a question, Why would we send them things that should thrown out?

For several years, we refused to take used goods, preferring to purchase new items with financial donations instead. However, so many people looked shocked and perplexed when we refused to accept used goods that I started to think, well, maybe in light of the economic crisis, and certainly environmentally, it might be a good idea to give it a try.

Our reputation on the reservations has always been good, and one woman who works at ICWA (which is the Indian Child Welfare Act agency) told us that they actually felt the love that was packed in all the boxes we send out. Gee, that was nice to hear. She also said, “You know, Christine, for years people have been sending us their junk. It felt like that was all they thought of us, that we were just worth the junk they sent to us.”

This year, in light of the economy and ecology, we thought, well, maybe there is a middle ground, and we can send out really good used stuff. We put out a call for items that are LIKE NEW with NO SIGNS OF WEAR. And wow! You should have seen the results! One man sent us a coat in which every pocket was ripped, and it smelled of cigarettes and was covered with greasy stains. It looked like someone had worn that coat every day for maybe ten years. To be nice, I thought, Well, maybe he really really loved that coat, and this was his way of sending the love. Maybe he didn't even see how worn out it was.

Then bags of shoes arrived; smelly shoes, with the heels worn down. Then stained baby clothes. Today I threw out a strange wicker shelving unit that was for some indecipherable use, and was shredded, with all the wicker sticks detached from the bottom. Old board games missing pieces. Chairs that had sticky stains on them. Broken electronics. A basket of computer wires....that went to nothing. One woman dropped off a beat up bed I would have expected to see for free on the side of the road, and she asked me for a tax deduction of $500.00.

So I am sitting here wondering just what it is when people think of charity. I know how touching all that stuff made me feel. It made me feel gross, and dirty, and almost violated. Is that what charity means? I never realized what an amazing service Goodwill provides in that it gives us all a place to drop off the junk that may have a good degree of love attached to it, so much that we can't bear to throw it out. But when it comes to putting garbage directly into the hands of a person who is already suffering so many burdens, I have to ask, where is the love?

To Be

By Christine Rose © 2007

I was walking along in the woods today, watching the ground as I went along. I was avoiding the usual roots, sticks and stones, and I walked along like that for some time. Suddenly the thought occurred to me, “Stop thinking about where you are going, and look at where you are.”

I looked up and realized that for all of the careful steps I have been taking, I was missing the beauty that surrounded me. The golden sunlight danced and streamed through the autumn leaves on the tall thin trees, creating sunny and shadowed patterns in the light of the morning mist. The sight warmed my soul; it was beautiful indeed. However, it was the thought itself that remained with me throughout the day.

I pondered the statement, “Stop thinking about where you are going, and look at where you are.” So often we focus on the journey but miss the moments of our lives.

It starts when we are children, and every grown-up asks us what we are going to be when we grow up. School is a process we are forced to endure; we look at the clock and wish it would move faster, all the way from kindergarten to college. Then, it’s “When do we get that promotion, when can we retire!” We end up wishing our whole lives away.

I am guilty of the same, I have goals I work towards and someday hope to see them come to fruition. Yet every once in a while, every few years, I get tired of the work, get in my car and drive without a plan, a map or even a specific destination.

As soon as I hit my first lake or mountain, a sense of peacefulness settles on my soul. I sat today in Arkansas and watched minnows in a creek, observed them, their very way of Being. The simplicity of watching animals gives us so much insight into our own existence. All the little critters are living according to their original instructions. They bask in the sun, protect their young and their territory, and they scurry to hide when danger approaches.

But have you ever thought about your own original instructions? They are pretty much the same as the animals, except they take time each day to bask in the sun. How often do we do that? Once, maybe twice a year, on vacation? Maybe more, maybe less, but very few of us honor that as much as we need to.

I have been told that every time God shows up in the Bible, God says, “I am.” I am is from the verb To Be. I am. You are. Be. I believe that a very important part of our original instructions is just To Be.

A few years ago, I sat at the water’s edge one day with a gentleman who was in a desperate search for God. He had read everything there was, from the Bible, the Koran, to Buddha, Ghandi, and more. But he said that as hard as he looked, he couldn’t find God. I told him to stop looking. Only when he stopped looking, would he find God. He was perplexed, so I told him, “Just Be.” He said he didn’t know how to do that, and I found it very difficult to explain, but that was years ago, and maybe I can do a better job of that now.

In Genesis it says, “God moved across the waters like a spirit.” If you are quiet and peaceful and can experience the sheer joy of the beauty of God’s creation, you will feel your heart open and you will feel your joy soar from yourself in appreciation of all that is.

When we were children our parents told us that God was everywhere and in everything, including in us as well. What an amazing concept! How could it be true! Like Santa Claus, it seemed incredible, impossible and yet we believed it simply because that was what we were told. And it is true, and when we let ourselves just Be we will begin to feel that spirit move through us as well. We will feel that incredible peacefulness that recognizes that we are part of everything and everything is part of us.

If we look at a large rock, does it ever occur to us that the rock is doing something? It is. It is Being a rock. Society has removed us so much from our connection with nature that we admire it, but how often do we experience the feeling that we are part of it. We Are!

After my Near Death Experience, I had such a strong sense of being actively involved with everything of creation. When the birds sang as I passed, I took it as a greeting, and sang back. The rocks on the beach purified me, dogs and horses followed me, the wind was like a friend.

I went to a river with a friend one day, and collected several smooth stones of a similar size. Later, my friend showed me his collection of stones and when I told him that I could frequently feel a vibration from stones, he told me to close my eyes. One by one, he gave me a stone to hold and asked me to describe it. The longer we played this game, the more able I was to describe certain properties of that stone. In my gut, I could see fireworks, and he told me was mica. One stone had so much energy in it, I had to drop it. He told me it was citrine and was a very powerful stone. The next, all I could describe was a chopping sensation on my arm. There were no words, I just kept hitting my arm with a chopping motion. He told me that rock had been split from another. When he gave me the next stone, I told him it didn’t want me to hold it, it wanted to go back to him. He told me then that it was his personal stone, one he never let anyone touch. From that day, I have recognized that just because the stones are lying around does not mean they are not doing anything. Stones are to energy what trees are to air. They purify energy. I keep many in my house and my house feels lighter for their being there. They are Beings, too.

I was highly sensitized at that time, because I had only recently encountered God. My spirit was stronger than my physical senses and I often reacted to things unseen. The eyes are physical and see what is in front of them, but the stronger your spirit becomes through a deeper connection with God, the more your vision will not need to rely on your eyes. At that time, I understood that I could sense things that perhaps we all could if our lifestyles had not removed us so far from our original instructions.

While teaching Sunday School, I asked the group of nine-year olds how they felt when they lay in a field and looked at the clouds, or when they saw the breeze move like waves through tall grasses. The most difficult boy in the class said quietly and with reverence, “I feel Him.”

Children know how to just Be. They don’t yet carry the responsibility of adulthood and the disconnection from nature that our busy lives force upon us. But the possibility lives in all of us and the more we take the time to nurture it, the closer to God we will become.

Imagine sharing the company of the rock. They say when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Well, when in the company of trees or rocks, imagine Being as they are; still, silent, observing, Being. Remove yourself from the world of the doing, and join the world of the Being.

When we can sit still long enough in the place of beauty of our choice and God’s creation, when we can just Be, forget everything and become everything, we will know God, the God in us, around us, of us. And determine just exactly how much (I cannot resist saying it!) you will choose To Be or Not to Be.

Being A Spiritual Woman in the Suburbs

By Christine Rose © 2009

Part 1

Have you ever really thought about what it means to be a woman in the suburbs? Have you thought about the toll it takes on you spiritually?

A friend called me up yesterday. She is very attractive, 46 years old, 5’2”, weighs about 100 pounds, huge boobs, long, lush black curls…and she says to me, “I feel fat and ugly and old and dumpy.” Wow. How does she think the rest of us look?

I told her that I remember feeling like that, but that I no longer do. I am 56 years old, and I have come to the clear conclusion that my gorgeous days are over. So I asked her, “Do you think you really look that bad or are you looking at yourself the way you think other people look at you?” She said, “Yeah, that’s true. Although I would still like to look like I did at 35.” Well, who wouldn’t, but the clock ticks, you know?

Do you remember when you were a little girl and your mother said, “It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, it’s the inside that counts.” My mother also used to throw in, “Pretty is as pretty does.” So let me ask you. If that’s true, why don’t the mechanics have pictures of Mother Teresa on their garage walls? Clearly there is a discrepancy on the definition of the word, Pretty.

In this day and age of completely liberated women who can hold any job they want, I wonder why middle-aged, menopausal women still concern themselves with how they look in lingerie? The reason, my friends, is because we have not only let the media define us, but we have let men define us. Yes, we have LET them. The reason for this is because it feels nice when they tell us we look good and sadly, nothing else in society makes us feel particularly wonderful about being a Woman.

There is a point in our early female adolescence where hormones for attracting a mate are in full swing. Every pert body part is ready to bounce into action to make the boys look twice. It is really hard today to get young girls to understand that looking like a steak to a starving man is not always the best way to find a lasting mate. But it should be much easier to help a middle aged woman, who is coming into her wisdom years, to understand that letting go of those youthful gorgeous glory days will be a relief! Yes! Thats really true! You just have to understand that losing your youthful skin is only a trade-off for something much more lasting and magnificent.

When we define ourselves by our exteriors, we neglect the interior. In fact, most people don't give their interiors much thought at all. We can be good people or bad people, but if we are physically beautiful people, that is what makes us stand out in the crowd. In most cases, we completely ignore the reasons we are on earth. Oh, yeah! There really are reasons why we are here, eternal reasons. And while our attractiveness is not eternal, we have these things called, souls, or spirits, and they very much are. Developing our eternal perspective changes absolutely everything about life. Every offense, every failing, every struggle, every challenge, they all have meaning and will raise us up to the point where we will be worthy of the next place we go.

Taking an eternal perspective into consideration, we can now look back at the calendars hanging in the garages of men, and recognize that what they are lusting after is nothing but a walnut shell. Wouldn't it be nice if the nut of us all really were Mother Teresa?

Women, take back your image and YOU decide who you are, be the creator of your own worth...with your actions! How much money do you spend on your hair, make-up, clothing, shoes? How much time do you devote to becoming a more spiritual being?

You may well ask, But why? Who cares if I am spiritual? I look so fabulous!

If what you really wants is achievable peace and contentment then sooner or later, you are going to consider another way of life. Imagine those are the riches you seek, right here on earth.  Vanity causes 
* chaos (countless marriages fail because one insecure partner falls for the flattery of a seducer)
* heartache (Mirror, mirror, on the wall, how much do I have to spend to be the fairest one of all), 
* disappointment (We are not invisible just because we are no longer young! Respect our years, and the wisdom we have earned!)
* very high credit card bills ('nuff said!).

Seeking peace and acceptance of your appearance, celebrating the smile lines as earned credits for the afterlife, valuing the years gone by for their wealth of experiences, relishing each day as an opportunity to better the world...you know, its all much cheaper, and a lot more soul fulfilling, then having your face removed, stretched like a canvas, and sewn back on.

Join me in resisting the media and the malls that live to make you feel bad about yourself so you will spend more money. Thumb your nose at them and say, I am perfect, just the way I am! Then live as if you mean it.